Thanks Mayan Calendar for the End of the World!

It has been over a year since I last wrote anything. That isn't because I have not thought to. It is more so that I have been so consumed with life and all it's been throwing at me. But as the "End of the World" is upon us, so say the Mayan's, I feel it necessary to clear the air and try to get one last little bit of personal growth out of the way! Throughout this nearly year and a half hiatus, I have experienced love and loss, self-discovery and destruction,incredible stress and perseverance, and an overwhelming desire to just be better. It's hard to summarize everything that has gone on. I have nearly a 6 and 4 year old. Both golden headed and beautiful. They are full of spirit and although there are times when I am overcome with stress and frustration, they are still the most wonderful things that I could have ever been blessed with. Drama with my ex has dwindled down dramatically. And still looking back on all that has happened I have to be thankful that he was the person he was so that I could become the person I am meant to be and have the experiences I was meant to have. I've spent the year going back to school and working full time. I feel that has been a huge boost in confidence and feeling like I'm still part of this world. I spent a long time while being married and after getting divorced feeling like I wasn't contributing, to my community, to my family, to my children....so being able to do this has really helped me. I got all A's this past semester which only makes stronger my feeling of knowing I did the right thing. This year I've had the privilege of being able to experience a love that people write movies about. I was lucky enough to find someone who was truly a reflection of all that was good in myself. A person who is so outgoing and charismatic that people are drawn to him. A man who is so headstrong, passionate and full of the best intentions. A person who has helped me realize so much about myself without even realizing how they give me a desire to really do better in life. Things were so promising and the love was strong. But as time went on and life had it's hold on both of us, no matter what we felt we had to compromise on to be together, there were little things that started to add up which contributed to our final days together. As things were finally winding down between us and you could feel some cosmic pull really trying to keep us apart, I realized about myself that throughout life I have been full of fear....Fear of what my future will hold, fear of needing to feel secure, fear of just the unknown. In realizing all this fear that was bundled up inside of me, I was finally able to acknowledge that side of myself and really work to let go of that fear and learn to be content in the present and not so consumed with the future. He and I were friends before dating and with everything that has gone on I guess I assumed we could still be friends. But I have my own personal feeling about how he feels, and I could be 100% wrong but I will lay them out here. Knowing him as I do, knowing how he thinks and what he would say in certain situations, I feel that he is holding on to negative feelings....feeling like he was done wrong, feeling like he was let down, feeling like I am not who he's known all this time. And while I can understand how he could feel all those things, I can not understand why someone would choose to hold on to such negative feelings. I haven't loved anyone or given more of myself than I did in this relationship. And now with everything going on I feel as though I have lost my best friend. And while he feels he has lost his best friend too....at this point I am not sure what to say. I guess with all the emotions going on and a break up still being fresh, we are both sort of holding on to hurt and resentment while still trying to figure out how we can be friends without feelings of hurt. And thus you have been able to bear witness to my love and loss, self-discovery and destruction, and my overall sense to just be better in life. I hope it wasn't too depressing. It has been a struggle, that's for sure. And as I write this conclusion, I find myself distracted. Both by kids running up and down the stairs and by my own thoughts. So I will leave you with this quote I feel sums up my feelings and belief in fate. "Acknowledge the lesson is every situation. Everything is a life lesson. Everyone you meet, everything you encounter, etc. They’re all part of the learning experience we call ‘life.’ Never forget to acknowledge the lesson, especially when things don’t go your way. If you don’t get a job that you wanted or a relationship doesn't work, it only means something better is out there waiting."