We've come to that point!

Today was the day I had to make it into court to listen to a judge declare me officially divorced. It wasn't at all like I expected. It was a private meeting in the judge's chambers. He looked over my paperwork and then said it would be filed and it was done. My attorney said to me on the steps of the courthouse, "Most people are elated when this day finally gets here and you're not...." I told her that today was just like having a birthday. It's just another day. The only difference is that I had to get up early, had someone watch my kids and talk with a judge! I guess in my mind John and I have acted divorced since I moved out and accepted that our marriage was over. So this finalization day wasn't really a big issue for me.

My attorney says we'll probably be back in court sometime within the first year only because he will try to get at me with something or one of us will really mess up and be held in contempt. I hope she's wrong, honestly. I really just want to have things be peaceful; he calls to talk to the kids only, is on time with picking them up and dropping them off, is flexible with schedules and everything else as I plan to be.

I've actually been really relaxed today. Tonight I plan on sitting around in the house in my pj's, the kids in bed early since we've had play dates the last 3 days with friends, watching some DVR shows and drinking tea with some popcorn. Sounds like a good plan!

How does the Hammer Strike?

This morning I woke up and felt different. This morning I felt calm. I felt collected and content. I woke up and the day reminded me of whatever you would consider your perfect day. I looked out my window to see the trees swaying in the sweet breeze. I sat under my warm covers and checked my emails, much as I am sitting now. I spoke with my parents. And I started my day. I'll come back to this perfect day after a few short stories and updates.

This past week or better yet, these past few weeks - since my last post - have been nothing short of a roller coaster ride. My divorce date is set for this coming Wednesday. I forget about it most days. All my days since being asked to move out have been blurred together into one long day when in fact it's been almost 6 months! And like anyone else who is starting over I have good and bad days. In the past few weeks I've had more indifferent days than I've experienced in my life as a whole. I have learned that John had been seeing his now girl friend since before he asked me for the divorce. I have learned that every thing that deals with him will be this way forever, it will be trying and mentally taxing and something that I will have to overcome daily. I have learned that it's hard to enter back into a world you know nothing about! It's hard for me to date, to fill my free time, and to create a life anew. I've learned that I have to be something new...something better than what I've been.

I had some meetings my dad wanted me to tag along to in the last two weeks. I loved getting to see him do his work things. I've realized in the last few months how truly amazing certain people are in my life. That isn't meant to sound like I've been taking people for granted during my life time. I just get brief moments of clarity and appreciation that I hadn't thought about before. Well while we were at this meeting a man called me Elizabeth, which quickly caught on and it wasn't long before those that didn't know me thought of me as an Elizabeth! I quietly corrected them, wondering if I should have just let it slide.

In the last few days I have had some issues regarding John. It's another time of him being difficult that almost threw a wrench in my plans. But like I said, I woke up today feeling different. Feeling almost James Bond-ish. I felt cunning and stealth. I decided that after dealing with John in a less than desirable way last night and earlier today that I would try to make things easy on myself. I put on my skinny pants, one of my favorite silky shirts and my cute gray suede wedges. My dad and I went out in some of the most perfect fall weather. We went to see my brother and have this amazing lunch at Earthfare. Then we went and drove to see a movie but we ended up being about an hour early. So we went to go sit at Starbucks and enjoy more of the great conversation we'd been smoothly rolling through all day. I got the Pumpkin Spice Latte. We sat outside. The sky was overcast, the wind was weaving it's way through the trees and around the cars, and there was this freshness to the air, this feeling of serenity. I happened to look at my cup and what do I see? The name that was put on the cup. When I was in the store the man behind the counter asked for my dad's name. He said, "NASH" as if he were reserving a table at a fully booked restaurant! He looked at me and asked the same. Of course I reply with the normal, "Kate" and what do I get? I get Lindsay put on my cup! I mean why not just throw out an Elizabeth as well?!!! It was one of the many highlights of my day. We then went to the movie. We were going to watch: Wall street: Money Never Sleeps with Michael Douglas and Shia LeBouf. Not even 45 minutes into the movie, which is amazing so far by the way, I get a text from John saying he's on his way to Oak Ridge. This text coming from the man who got so angry at me the night before when I said no he couldn't keep the kids for my entire weekend but he could bring them back by 7 like we agreed - now not even taking the time he was generously given! So I hesitated cause the movie was so good but my dad and I quickly decided to leave the movie and head to his office. The whole time I was getting texts from John that sounded purely like he thought he was getting the best of me by giving me short notice on his being there hours early! I just sat in the car with my dad cracking jokes and feeling like I had nothing to worry about in life at that moment.

I got my babies. I held onto Chelsea and I looked at her dress that was covered in a daisy print. And I looked at Garrett as he fiddled his fat fingers around a toy duck he had. And in that moment I forgot about John being there. I forgot that he was so angry at me for not being swayed by his actions and words that he couldn't even speak or look me in the face. I forgot that he was even part of my perfect day! I put the kids in the car, acted care-free and drove home. Listening to kid songs, doing hand motions to the songs I loved and asking the kids about the many adventures I was sure they had had the day before. When I got home I fed them, gave them a bath and just felt more relaxed than I have in weeks. I got to talk to an old friend whom I haven't heard from in months. I listened to a song that makes my soul happy. I hugged my kids and finished out my day. Later after there was quiet in the house for a few hours, I heard a little boy saying my name. I went up to find Garrett standing in his bed holding out his airplane blanket at me and his eyes closed. I picked up his warm little chubby boy body and I felt perfect. I felt over run with joy and love as I just stood there in the dark holding this perfect angel baby, swaying back and forth, humming our own personal lullaby. My cheek was resting on his blonde hair and his arm reached up and wrapped around my neck and he just let all his love and appreciation for me out as he stroked my neck in a tired hug.

I can sit here right now with my eyes closed and I can relive my perfect day in slow motion. I can still feel the breeze kissing my cheek. I can feel the smile effortless spread across my face as I count down to the teddy bear toy song. I can still realize that I am happiest when I'm rocking my little boy simply for the fact that he needed to be close to me. Today was perfect. Today I took pride in knowing that my body is strong, my mind and spirit are grounded and my heart’s still beating.

Super HAWT

I've spent the last week just being bitter, irritated and mildly upset at everything. Today I dropped the kids off for another weekend with John. It's Labor Day weekend. He was suppose to have them from Thursday night through Tuesday morning - but clearly in my dropping them off today, he isn't taking that long.
Earlier this week I took the kids to this new playground that was built downtown. It's a nice playground and it really livens up the area. Plus it's right across from where my mom works so we stopped in to see her. But while we were at the playground, I was watching the kids climb, jump, slide and scream. I was marveling at how wonderful they were. How beautiful and carefree they were. It was one of those true moments of happiness when nothing else mattered! I didn't care that the grass was wet, that they didn't have sunblock on, or that there were a ton of people walking the path around the park! We played hide-and-seek, tag, played songs on the little piano underneath the slides, we chased butterflies, and Chelsea schooled me in grasshoppers. It was the perfect day.
Today after I dropped them off I had to run some errands and then go pick my mom up. She wanted to get a head start on Christmas shopping! In September ;) She's the crazy one. But we got some cute fall/winter clothes and some stocking stuffers. Anyway, I was jolted by the fact that John brought Tiffany, his new girlfriend, with him to pick the kids up because they were all going to go spend the day in Knoxville (like a family)! I wasn't ready to meet her face to face because this is the woman John left his family for, but like always I get thrown into things that I'm not ready for! So she got me a new pair of shoes....it helped until she mentioned if shopping was taking my mind off things! haha.
I am just not ready for all this. I have realized that while all this is going on, that I don't miss John. I don't miss him laying beside me at night. I don't miss him not being home for dinner or not helping me when I was stretched thin and just frazzled. I don't love him anymore and I don't want to be with someone I don't love and who doesn't love me back! But I never imagined being at this point in my life. The point where I wonder who is watching my kids. Where I think, 'would they be better off in this circumstance versus this circumstance'. [insert different circumstances based on experience!]
I am at a point where I feel like I'm stagnant. Like I need to do something to occupy my time so I don't feel like I'm so useless. At first I was kept busy with getting the divorce going and moving. Then I kept myself busy getting the kids adjusted and getting more acquainted to the city again and the friends I have. Then I kept myself occupied with dating, no matter how terrible the experience! Now I am almost fully legally divorced, I am settled into our new home, I have great friends who are more supportive than I could have ever imagined, I see my family and appreciate all they do for me on a daily basis, and I'm not comfortable with the dating scene yet. So I'm stuck in this place of feeling like I need to do something else to keep busy.
I've decided that I'm going to get back into getting into shape again. Since all this started, when I was at my lowest in years, I had so much else to worry about that I stopped working out and lost all the hard work I put in to looking like I did! Now nearly 6 months later and 10 pounds heavier-ish I need to readjust. I've decided to start interval training. I did this in high school, my senior year and it was incredibly hard for me to do. I just don't have the stamina for it. But I'm going to make it stick this time! That coupled with my good eating and doing a workout 3 days a week and I'll be super HAWT! And I'll stay occupied! With goal in mind. Wish me luck!