Thanks Mayan Calendar for the End of the World!

It has been over a year since I last wrote anything. That isn't because I have not thought to. It is more so that I have been so consumed with life and all it's been throwing at me. But as the "End of the World" is upon us, so say the Mayan's, I feel it necessary to clear the air and try to get one last little bit of personal growth out of the way! Throughout this nearly year and a half hiatus, I have experienced love and loss, self-discovery and destruction,incredible stress and perseverance, and an overwhelming desire to just be better. It's hard to summarize everything that has gone on. I have nearly a 6 and 4 year old. Both golden headed and beautiful. They are full of spirit and although there are times when I am overcome with stress and frustration, they are still the most wonderful things that I could have ever been blessed with. Drama with my ex has dwindled down dramatically. And still looking back on all that has happened I have to be thankful that he was the person he was so that I could become the person I am meant to be and have the experiences I was meant to have. I've spent the year going back to school and working full time. I feel that has been a huge boost in confidence and feeling like I'm still part of this world. I spent a long time while being married and after getting divorced feeling like I wasn't contributing, to my community, to my family, to my children....so being able to do this has really helped me. I got all A's this past semester which only makes stronger my feeling of knowing I did the right thing. This year I've had the privilege of being able to experience a love that people write movies about. I was lucky enough to find someone who was truly a reflection of all that was good in myself. A person who is so outgoing and charismatic that people are drawn to him. A man who is so headstrong, passionate and full of the best intentions. A person who has helped me realize so much about myself without even realizing how they give me a desire to really do better in life. Things were so promising and the love was strong. But as time went on and life had it's hold on both of us, no matter what we felt we had to compromise on to be together, there were little things that started to add up which contributed to our final days together. As things were finally winding down between us and you could feel some cosmic pull really trying to keep us apart, I realized about myself that throughout life I have been full of fear....Fear of what my future will hold, fear of needing to feel secure, fear of just the unknown. In realizing all this fear that was bundled up inside of me, I was finally able to acknowledge that side of myself and really work to let go of that fear and learn to be content in the present and not so consumed with the future. He and I were friends before dating and with everything that has gone on I guess I assumed we could still be friends. But I have my own personal feeling about how he feels, and I could be 100% wrong but I will lay them out here. Knowing him as I do, knowing how he thinks and what he would say in certain situations, I feel that he is holding on to negative feelings....feeling like he was done wrong, feeling like he was let down, feeling like I am not who he's known all this time. And while I can understand how he could feel all those things, I can not understand why someone would choose to hold on to such negative feelings. I haven't loved anyone or given more of myself than I did in this relationship. And now with everything going on I feel as though I have lost my best friend. And while he feels he has lost his best friend too....at this point I am not sure what to say. I guess with all the emotions going on and a break up still being fresh, we are both sort of holding on to hurt and resentment while still trying to figure out how we can be friends without feelings of hurt. And thus you have been able to bear witness to my love and loss, self-discovery and destruction, and my overall sense to just be better in life. I hope it wasn't too depressing. It has been a struggle, that's for sure. And as I write this conclusion, I find myself distracted. Both by kids running up and down the stairs and by my own thoughts. So I will leave you with this quote I feel sums up my feelings and belief in fate. "Acknowledge the lesson is every situation. Everything is a life lesson. Everyone you meet, everything you encounter, etc. They’re all part of the learning experience we call ‘life.’ Never forget to acknowledge the lesson, especially when things don’t go your way. If you don’t get a job that you wanted or a relationship doesn't work, it only means something better is out there waiting."

A year to puddle ... I mean ponder!

I am sure there is so much to cover like always. I am not the most punctual at keeping up with this blog and I often times get so caught up in everyday life that I forget to sit down and write about what goes on.
It's raining today. It's overcast and windy and we are now left in a soggy pool of cool weather again! I much prefer the 70's that we had over the weekend, where the sun was shining down, the utilization of sunblock and sunglasses and the ability to picnic where we please. Today was picture day at Chelsea's school. She wore a robins egg blue cordouroy dress that had a yellow sash at the waist. The kids have been getting up at 5:30 or 6 every morning this week (granted it is only Tuesday!) so we had plenty of time to get ready and I even got a shower in before leaving the house, which is unheard of.

Tomorrow is Chelsea's birthday! I can't believe she'll be 4 =) Of course that also reminds me that today marks the 1 year anniversary of John walking out on us. I realized this day was upon us late last week. I was spending time with my mom, planning and preparing for the kids party at Chuck E Cheese (saturday) and finding myself very frustrated and attitudes flaring! I spent a few days sulking almost! It was all of a sudden hitting me that in a few short days I was celebrating my kids birthdays with a joint party, taking on my 1 yr anniversary of divorce and starting anew, and John's new marriage the following weekend (16th). That's a lot to take in at one time and at the time I had kids who were overwhelmed and confused themselves which made the week very hard to handle.

Like I said, it's been a long and awkward week - wait maybe I didn't say that outloud. I have felt all over the place these last few weeks. I am so happy to be where I am. I look back a year and I don't blame anyone or anything for what happened! And as I stand in the mornings, after drying my hair, applying my make up, I look at myself....down to my crystal necklace and I know that my life is better and in this moment I have all that is right in the world. I have two amazingly beautiful children - and if not for John and the chances I took I wouldn't have them. I have a family that is uncommonly supportive and humbling and I genuinely feel happy with who I am. And Yes sometimes the memories of how my days use to be filled meander back into my mind. And what I feel isn't sadnessfor where my life has led me. It's a feeling of sorrow for a man who chose to exclude us from his life as his family! I feel sorry for John because I look at who I am now and who our children are growing up to be and it's a marvelous thing. I do miss some days, waking up to an alarm meant for someone else. Feeling needed and loved. Truly caring for someone. And I'm sure in time that too will sort itself out.

The weekend before last I had a lot of things happen as well. I had decided that everyone I had made plans to go out with for one reason or another, I was going to cancel on. I had decided to spend the weekend with my brother, had a dealing with Danny, and invited a friend who I rarely get to spend time with come over. I also realized that while I don't want to date anyone I do want to enjoy my time with people I can enjoy being around. And Brandon and I hadn't hung out for a while, so it was nice to have him there. And the more I sat there I found myself thinking how cool it would be if we could hang out more. He is so easy going and non-dramatic that it is mellow to just be around him. Things are simple. And after the party planning was done last week and the party went off without a hitch on Saturday -the days immediately mellowed out. The kids go to spend 5 days with John and his family because this coming Saturday is his wedding with Tiffany. So I will have a few days to get my head somewhere else without kids here and to spend time with my brother and friends! I'm actually looking forward to it.

So I guess that is where I stand right now. Two feet firmly planted in the soggy mudpuddle known as life, on a Tuesday afternoon. Have a great rest of the week and I'll enjoy my 5 day break along with the rest of you!

March - Already?

It's been months since I have written. I am glad that I left off in the blog at a spot that was happy and being thankful for what I had been given up to that point.

I think I was lost for a while there, but we'll just say I was "busy with the holidays". Lots of things have gone on. We [the kids and I] are, for the most part, adjusted to our new way of living. We get up in the mornings, brush out teeth and hair, get dressed, find something to drink or munch on depending on the day and head out the door before 8 to get Chelsea to school on time. Then it's home to get a workout in, clean up a bit, work a bit, nap a bit, and what ever other bits make up the morning before picking Chelsea up just after lunch time. That's pretty much a normal routine for us and I think it really helps keep us on track! On the weekends we either spend time with friends, relax in our rooms, or head to my parents for Sunday lunches! It really does make things more special that I have such a supportive family unit.

Anyway...in my last post I was talking about how I had taken so much for granted (in my short 23 years of life). How I thought I was finding the person I thought I use to be. In the last 3 months I have become more myself than I had ever thought I would manage to be at this point in time. I have found a new love for vintage wear, mellow music, and time with friends. I take the time to beautify more often than not
and to wear jewelry to complete and outfit. I manage to live in a house that is not too girly but is still comforting when you walk in. And I have pictures sprinkled throughout my downstairs of my family and children. Overall it reminds me of when you watch a tv show and you see these people who seem so unique, be it stylistically or otherwise. These people who you can tell are comfortable with their skin and soul alike. And I feel like I am either at that point or very close to being in the place where things are just easy going and right.

In other news: ..... There were some struggles on the John front - as if you couldn't have seen that one coming. There were some times that it was more fighting than not and more lawyering up and what not. But all in the past and things seem to be simmering now, although they probably wont be completely settled for a long time. He is getting married in April. I think that is where a lot of the tension came from. I think that he feels like I am going to end up being one of these girls who is so bitter and upset constantly that I can't see far enough past what is going on to do what is for the best. I think most people would call this person he invisions "petty, insecure, stuck in high school" etc. And really it isn't an issue. I think it is wonderful that he has found someone he wants to share his time with, that will share her family with him, and who ultimately is a better match for him than I was. Point in case!
Right now, Garrett has pneumoia. It's been one of those winter seasons that he can't seem to get ahold of. He is troopering through it all though and doesn't seem to be dwelling on how crummy he seems to feel. We made a trip to the ER on Sunday cause he had a fever of 103.8 that I just couldn't seem to break. Once we got there he got chest x-rays where they found the pneumonia. He got a few shots, some tests done and then we got sent home. We had a follow up yesterday and our regular dr told us that he is getting worse and not better so we had to change the antibiotics that he's on. So hopefully those start to work well in the next few days.
Chelsea is doing so well in school. She loves to go everyday now, she gets good progress reports, and I try to volunteer at least once a month so I can spend that time with her showing how proud I am of all she accomplishes during her day. Overall it's been a great 2011, so far. Let's just hope we can keep it that way!

Chugging along - one step at a time

There are a lot of things I take for granted; the sunsets, the trees, the seasons, waking up each morning, my children's laughter, driving with the windows down on a perfect summer afternoon! And then there are days when everything is right and beautiful with the world. I have seen people who struggle daily, who can't face what has happened in their life, and I have been someone who was lost at one point or another - trying to just stay afloat. I have dated people who were disingenuous, who were desperate, who were struggling just like me. And then there were people I met who were honest and dependable, sincere and kind-hearted.

I've been spending the last few months getting back with who I thought I use to be. I use to think I was a great judge of character and that sometimes I would choose to do things or be with people because I wanted something - popularity, love, desire, etc. Once I started the divorce process I thought I had failed myself by marrying someone who I knew wasn't right for me. I thought that maybe I was naive for thinking I was a good judge of character. Then during everything I had been on numerous bad dates where people weren't as I had thought they would've been. I had neglected to make friends because I thought that I was fine with the people I had in my life!

Then I met my new neighbor, Meghan. She was sweet, charming, outgoing, and constantly so. I was drawn in. And I found myself really enjoying how sweet she is. In the last few months I've slowed down on dating. I had decided that I didn't want to settle on a boy friend when I wasn't feeling content, comfortable, and caring; but I still found myself wanting a boy friend. Someone who was dependable. I went on dates that I knew wouldn't lead anywhere just so I could learn to let loose a little and enjoy the time I have meeting new people.

Then I went on a date with this guy who I thought I initially wouldn't want to see again. Someone I pegged as selfish or self-centered, playboy-ish, and not serious. And it turns out that in my having fun and allowing myself to just "go with the flow" as my mom would say, that I have found someone I enjoy spending time with and who I don't want to harangue daily for conversation but who's company I enjoy! Not only that but I have a great set of people who I see regularly and want to spend time with - Christie and all the ladies from CRK, Meghan and Franklin and soon to be baby Gray!, my family and my friends outside the state!

You know on Friday I made our Thanksgiving dinner cause my brother and mom were both free. It was one of the best times I had had in a long time. I felt like myself. I cooked what I wanted and it was delicious, I had people over to entertain in my house, I had my babies even though they were loud and crazy all day, and I had a happy heart. Then today I got to spend time with Keith and the kids, watch their eyes fill with wonder as they looked at the fish and sea creatures, enjoy the outdoors, spend time with Meghan, watch the kids love on Franklin and relish the quiet time with one DVR'd show! Today was one of those perfect and beautifully right days.

I honestly feel like things are going right with me right now. My kids are growing strong and healthy. My ex-husband is happy in his new life. I'm happy with my new life, the people I share my time with, the way I conduct myself, and the love I share with my babies. And I feel like I'm getting back to the person I lost when I gave myself up 5 years ago! I have a plan that includes doing for me; wearing dresses when I didn't before, taking the extra 5 minutes to put on make-up, to wear heels instead of flip-flops, to give someone one more hug before they leave my house, to laugh with my kids more often than not, to make it to shows and festivals, and to spend the time I use to spend wallowing, with people who are right and beautiful and charming and what I need to be me!

I love you all so much and I'm so thankful to be included in your lives. I really appreciate you all doing for me what you didn't know you were doing and what I didn't know I needed!!! <3

We've come to that point!

Today was the day I had to make it into court to listen to a judge declare me officially divorced. It wasn't at all like I expected. It was a private meeting in the judge's chambers. He looked over my paperwork and then said it would be filed and it was done. My attorney said to me on the steps of the courthouse, "Most people are elated when this day finally gets here and you're not...." I told her that today was just like having a birthday. It's just another day. The only difference is that I had to get up early, had someone watch my kids and talk with a judge! I guess in my mind John and I have acted divorced since I moved out and accepted that our marriage was over. So this finalization day wasn't really a big issue for me.

My attorney says we'll probably be back in court sometime within the first year only because he will try to get at me with something or one of us will really mess up and be held in contempt. I hope she's wrong, honestly. I really just want to have things be peaceful; he calls to talk to the kids only, is on time with picking them up and dropping them off, is flexible with schedules and everything else as I plan to be.

I've actually been really relaxed today. Tonight I plan on sitting around in the house in my pj's, the kids in bed early since we've had play dates the last 3 days with friends, watching some DVR shows and drinking tea with some popcorn. Sounds like a good plan!

How does the Hammer Strike?

This morning I woke up and felt different. This morning I felt calm. I felt collected and content. I woke up and the day reminded me of whatever you would consider your perfect day. I looked out my window to see the trees swaying in the sweet breeze. I sat under my warm covers and checked my emails, much as I am sitting now. I spoke with my parents. And I started my day. I'll come back to this perfect day after a few short stories and updates.

This past week or better yet, these past few weeks - since my last post - have been nothing short of a roller coaster ride. My divorce date is set for this coming Wednesday. I forget about it most days. All my days since being asked to move out have been blurred together into one long day when in fact it's been almost 6 months! And like anyone else who is starting over I have good and bad days. In the past few weeks I've had more indifferent days than I've experienced in my life as a whole. I have learned that John had been seeing his now girl friend since before he asked me for the divorce. I have learned that every thing that deals with him will be this way forever, it will be trying and mentally taxing and something that I will have to overcome daily. I have learned that it's hard to enter back into a world you know nothing about! It's hard for me to date, to fill my free time, and to create a life anew. I've learned that I have to be something new...something better than what I've been.

I had some meetings my dad wanted me to tag along to in the last two weeks. I loved getting to see him do his work things. I've realized in the last few months how truly amazing certain people are in my life. That isn't meant to sound like I've been taking people for granted during my life time. I just get brief moments of clarity and appreciation that I hadn't thought about before. Well while we were at this meeting a man called me Elizabeth, which quickly caught on and it wasn't long before those that didn't know me thought of me as an Elizabeth! I quietly corrected them, wondering if I should have just let it slide.

In the last few days I have had some issues regarding John. It's another time of him being difficult that almost threw a wrench in my plans. But like I said, I woke up today feeling different. Feeling almost James Bond-ish. I felt cunning and stealth. I decided that after dealing with John in a less than desirable way last night and earlier today that I would try to make things easy on myself. I put on my skinny pants, one of my favorite silky shirts and my cute gray suede wedges. My dad and I went out in some of the most perfect fall weather. We went to see my brother and have this amazing lunch at Earthfare. Then we went and drove to see a movie but we ended up being about an hour early. So we went to go sit at Starbucks and enjoy more of the great conversation we'd been smoothly rolling through all day. I got the Pumpkin Spice Latte. We sat outside. The sky was overcast, the wind was weaving it's way through the trees and around the cars, and there was this freshness to the air, this feeling of serenity. I happened to look at my cup and what do I see? The name that was put on the cup. When I was in the store the man behind the counter asked for my dad's name. He said, "NASH" as if he were reserving a table at a fully booked restaurant! He looked at me and asked the same. Of course I reply with the normal, "Kate" and what do I get? I get Lindsay put on my cup! I mean why not just throw out an Elizabeth as well?!!! It was one of the many highlights of my day. We then went to the movie. We were going to watch: Wall street: Money Never Sleeps with Michael Douglas and Shia LeBouf. Not even 45 minutes into the movie, which is amazing so far by the way, I get a text from John saying he's on his way to Oak Ridge. This text coming from the man who got so angry at me the night before when I said no he couldn't keep the kids for my entire weekend but he could bring them back by 7 like we agreed - now not even taking the time he was generously given! So I hesitated cause the movie was so good but my dad and I quickly decided to leave the movie and head to his office. The whole time I was getting texts from John that sounded purely like he thought he was getting the best of me by giving me short notice on his being there hours early! I just sat in the car with my dad cracking jokes and feeling like I had nothing to worry about in life at that moment.

I got my babies. I held onto Chelsea and I looked at her dress that was covered in a daisy print. And I looked at Garrett as he fiddled his fat fingers around a toy duck he had. And in that moment I forgot about John being there. I forgot that he was so angry at me for not being swayed by his actions and words that he couldn't even speak or look me in the face. I forgot that he was even part of my perfect day! I put the kids in the car, acted care-free and drove home. Listening to kid songs, doing hand motions to the songs I loved and asking the kids about the many adventures I was sure they had had the day before. When I got home I fed them, gave them a bath and just felt more relaxed than I have in weeks. I got to talk to an old friend whom I haven't heard from in months. I listened to a song that makes my soul happy. I hugged my kids and finished out my day. Later after there was quiet in the house for a few hours, I heard a little boy saying my name. I went up to find Garrett standing in his bed holding out his airplane blanket at me and his eyes closed. I picked up his warm little chubby boy body and I felt perfect. I felt over run with joy and love as I just stood there in the dark holding this perfect angel baby, swaying back and forth, humming our own personal lullaby. My cheek was resting on his blonde hair and his arm reached up and wrapped around my neck and he just let all his love and appreciation for me out as he stroked my neck in a tired hug.

I can sit here right now with my eyes closed and I can relive my perfect day in slow motion. I can still feel the breeze kissing my cheek. I can feel the smile effortless spread across my face as I count down to the teddy bear toy song. I can still realize that I am happiest when I'm rocking my little boy simply for the fact that he needed to be close to me. Today was perfect. Today I took pride in knowing that my body is strong, my mind and spirit are grounded and my heart’s still beating.

Super HAWT

I've spent the last week just being bitter, irritated and mildly upset at everything. Today I dropped the kids off for another weekend with John. It's Labor Day weekend. He was suppose to have them from Thursday night through Tuesday morning - but clearly in my dropping them off today, he isn't taking that long.
Earlier this week I took the kids to this new playground that was built downtown. It's a nice playground and it really livens up the area. Plus it's right across from where my mom works so we stopped in to see her. But while we were at the playground, I was watching the kids climb, jump, slide and scream. I was marveling at how wonderful they were. How beautiful and carefree they were. It was one of those true moments of happiness when nothing else mattered! I didn't care that the grass was wet, that they didn't have sunblock on, or that there were a ton of people walking the path around the park! We played hide-and-seek, tag, played songs on the little piano underneath the slides, we chased butterflies, and Chelsea schooled me in grasshoppers. It was the perfect day.
Today after I dropped them off I had to run some errands and then go pick my mom up. She wanted to get a head start on Christmas shopping! In September ;) She's the crazy one. But we got some cute fall/winter clothes and some stocking stuffers. Anyway, I was jolted by the fact that John brought Tiffany, his new girlfriend, with him to pick the kids up because they were all going to go spend the day in Knoxville (like a family)! I wasn't ready to meet her face to face because this is the woman John left his family for, but like always I get thrown into things that I'm not ready for! So she got me a new pair of shoes....it helped until she mentioned if shopping was taking my mind off things! haha.
I am just not ready for all this. I have realized that while all this is going on, that I don't miss John. I don't miss him laying beside me at night. I don't miss him not being home for dinner or not helping me when I was stretched thin and just frazzled. I don't love him anymore and I don't want to be with someone I don't love and who doesn't love me back! But I never imagined being at this point in my life. The point where I wonder who is watching my kids. Where I think, 'would they be better off in this circumstance versus this circumstance'. [insert different circumstances based on experience!]
I am at a point where I feel like I'm stagnant. Like I need to do something to occupy my time so I don't feel like I'm so useless. At first I was kept busy with getting the divorce going and moving. Then I kept myself busy getting the kids adjusted and getting more acquainted to the city again and the friends I have. Then I kept myself occupied with dating, no matter how terrible the experience! Now I am almost fully legally divorced, I am settled into our new home, I have great friends who are more supportive than I could have ever imagined, I see my family and appreciate all they do for me on a daily basis, and I'm not comfortable with the dating scene yet. So I'm stuck in this place of feeling like I need to do something else to keep busy.
I've decided that I'm going to get back into getting into shape again. Since all this started, when I was at my lowest in years, I had so much else to worry about that I stopped working out and lost all the hard work I put in to looking like I did! Now nearly 6 months later and 10 pounds heavier-ish I need to readjust. I've decided to start interval training. I did this in high school, my senior year and it was incredibly hard for me to do. I just don't have the stamina for it. But I'm going to make it stick this time! That coupled with my good eating and doing a workout 3 days a week and I'll be super HAWT! And I'll stay occupied! With goal in mind. Wish me luck!