And the weeks drone on

Well it seems that the blog is pretty well up to date. I never made this blog with the intent of just being pessimistic. It just so seems that this is a low point in my life and as much as I enjoy talking with people I would rather not have to only talk about my divorce or how the kids are coping, etc.

I've been trying to find out what to do with myself. School? Work? Kids in school? Daycare? What to do in my free time when I don't have the kids? I've been dating. And let me tell you, dating is a terrible thing! I don't know how people end up getting married! I'll be honest. I'm pretty picky. I enjoy people's company but I don't want to have to listen to mouth-breathers who have just nothing to talk about other than like, "I saw a tractor on the interstate!" I mean really?! The one great thing I've found about dating is that there are some funny stories that come out of it. None will be mentioned on here because it's just too funny but if you know me and talk to me I'm sure you've heard some.

The issue I've found with dating is that I'm not a good serial dater. I don't take pleasure in going out with a different person every other day I have free. I don't enjoy having to try to get to know all these different people whom I have no intention of dating seriously! And I've had terrible luck meeting anyone I'd rather go on a second date with. When I first started dating, I was still watching the Bachelorette and I felt like I was on that sort of dating show! That I had all these people to go out with and get to know and it was interesting but exhausting all at the same time.

I've found that I do better in a taking my time with someone one on one kind of way. Of course I've met some people I'd go out with again but it always turns out that I could actually like them and they feel the same but then decide not to date me! Well this gets really old. There aren't many people around here that I feel are worth my time and energy and when I find someone I think is worth all that it ends up not going how I thought it might. It's frustrating. I am tired of being someone that people like, want to date, want to hang out with but don't want to get serious with.
My dad says that I need to get right with myself and what I have in my life. I agree that I'm not 100% content with where I am in life right now. I am not happy to have to start over, no matter how great I think it is for me. I just want to be happy. Whatever that means.

The Classic "Fear" blog

You know they say that hindsight is 20/20. That you never know what you have until you lose it. I guess that those two statements can go but also don't go together. I've been without the kids for 11 days now. It's the longest I've been apart from them. I'm having a hard time with it all because on one hand I want to do what is right for them and I guess that would be to spend as much time with their dad as they can but at the same time I just wish that he were the kind of person who would just walk away and leave us be. I've had a few fears crop up these past few months that I know might not be rational but they are still fears that I can't seem to shake.

I can't remember if I had mentioned about John trying to get the kids for this whole month but it was a big expensive few days of us fighting, lawyers, hateful remarks, etc. And before taking the kids for the start of his regular weekend I got a letter from his attorney saying he was filing for 23 days and wanted to file a sanction against me saying that I was unreasonable and try to stop him from seeing the kids. So when I dropped them off I asked him about it, he laughed and while laughing said, "I didn't tell my attorney to do anything. But I guess if he's filing something against you he has good cause!" So then I asked him when he wanted me to get the kids just to see if he would say something like, "didn't you read, I'm taking 23 days!" but all he said was, "You can get them on the 16th. I just want my 11 days, not 23". And I tried to look at their being gone for 2 weeks as a good thing: they get to spend time with John, I don't have to worry about someone watching the kids when I have my wisdom teeth taken out.......and I couldn't think of anything else after that.

Then on Friday - 2nd full day post surgery - I was at the movies in Knoxville with my mom. We went to go watch Eat Pray Love, with Julia Roberts. We got there early and like always John calls to ruin my day. He said that he had just dropped off his parenting class certificate and signed the MDA which is our last document to sign before setting a court date. Then he said to me, "when do you think you'll go sign the papers so we can set up a court date? I need to get this divorce over with soon." In my normal shocked-that-he-is-such-a-jerk state I just remarked a quick, "why you need to get on with another marriage? I'll get to it when I get the money saved up to pay my lawyer." And it was childish but I couldn't help but feel some sort of anger at him. maybe it was just for his being a complete dick about things or maybe it was just at my feeling sorry for myself (in thinking that again, I'm not good enough for something).

I know that I didn't feel bad about his wanting to be with someone else. That isn't my issue. I know that I don't love him. That I don't care that he doesn't want to be with me and that our getting a divorce is a good thing. When I think about him and his being with someone else I just think about the kids. And that's where my fears crop in. I sit here and I wonder what they do when they are with him. Do they actually spend a lot of time with him? Do they get new toys all the time? Things that sound stupid to say but that I think none the less.

I've known for a long time that he wasn't someone I could be married to forever
and still I can't help but let it get to me that he left his family, his children, to be with someone else and her children. And now he and his girl friend are playing Brady bunch with our kids. With the kids he didn't want to be with when he had them every single day in our family and our marriage. I find it very hard to believe that you move some girl in your new 2 bedroom apartment, have her two kids sleeping in your spare room and she's just a girl you recently started dating! It doesn't sound right to me. It sounds like a man who was too cowardly to do right before deciding to become an adulterer.

When it comes to my kids, I don't want to fear that one day they will pity him and because of that pity they will want to be with him instead of being with me. I don't want my kids to fall in love with some other woman. I don't want to be seen as the bad guy because I'm the only one here to be the good and bad parent. People have been telling me left and right that children know, even at a very young age, who is there for them. They know who is supporting them, who loves them and who is there taking care of them. I want to believe that but I think that sometimes it's hard to know for sure what your children know. Because I know that they enjoy being at his house, with his new girl friend and her kids. I know that they love me. I know that they don't understand the concept of marriage or divorce. I know that they know that not having their father come home every night to them isn't right. But I don't know that all that matters at this point. And in trying to take things one day at a time, I'm not sure how to let go of the petty things that are holding me in this place I'm in. I feel as though I'm holding onto to unwarranted bitterness and resentment just so I can be spiteful! My dad says that seems like a waste of time and energy, and while I agree I can't seem to just release!

A tooth for your wisdom

AH, so the joys of insurance or the lack there of. I went for my regular teeth cleaning a few weeks ago and they updated my x-rays. Well we talked about my wisdom teeth and how they probably would never break through the skin so was there really a need to get them taken out. I asked for a consultation with a surgeon just because with my insurance being close to running out I wanted to get done whatever I could.

Well on Wednesday I got the deed done, so to speak. My doctor and nurses were hilarious. I'm always so lucky to get the best people to take care of me. My main nurse was Terry. She apparently let me take pictures while I was put under! How funny is that? They are embarrassing but I'm also very impressed at how well I did at taking them since I wasn't conscious through it, that I know of! Great times

Well I'm on day two of recovery. It's Friday and I'm still really swollen but the pain isn't bad at all. I am more stiff than anything and I guess that leads to me to think I'm in pain or should be. But I'm doing great. Other than the fact that this puffy face so doesn't go with the rest of me and it freaks me out to look at it! So like I told a friend of mine, because I'm so impatient I'm telling my body that I'm taking care of it so it needs to de-puff for me. So far that pep talk isn't working out too well.

Today I'm going with my mom to the movies to watch Eat Pray Love. And I'll probably eat some soup. What else would I eat?! Right now I'm off to pay bills. Yay, payday. JOY. Get the money just to spend it away. CLASSIC!!!!

Hands tied behind my back

This past week or so has been rough. I hate getting on here and blogging about how terrible things are and pushing this negative attitude out onto the world but sometimes I have nowhere else to turn. And at least here, I know there aren't many people reading it and they can just click to another page if they don't want to hear it! This negative side of me is the lowest of sides riddled throughout my personality and it's the most unattractive part of me.

During this divorce I have had super happy days and days where I've just been absent, waiting for someone to just figuratively "talk me down from the edge". I have a hard time staying out of my own head when it comes to things I've done or could have done throughout my life. Family has always been my top priority, from the time I was a young child playing 'school' in my walk-in closet to having children of my own. As a child I've had a great upbringing. I've been taught to deal with things and be stronger during down times....push through so to speak. That isn't to say that I haven't been taught to be easy on myself at times or to feel my own emotions. I attribute a lot of my personality to pride and my lack of knowing how to not be so critical, mostly of myself.

John has been asking me for every weekend now that he got a hard copy of his orders. I said no of course because I'm not ok with him playing house with his girl friend, her kids and our kids. When we did our settlement meeting I wasn't ok with the number of days he was given because I felt and still feel that all those times he could have been home spending time with his children while he lived with them he was out doing something else. It doesn't matter if he was working some days or out at some girls house (which is becoming more and more of a possibility now that things are surfacing). I have a hard time believing that when we were married he had to work from 7am-10pm every day but now that we don't live together he gets off work by 4 most days! To me that just screams, taking time away from your family to be with someone else. And I don't necessarily mean a woman when I say someone else!

On Monday I got a call from John informing me that he would be taking the kids for the next 11 days, thus giving him nearly 3 weeks out of this month. I knew it wasn't because he wanted to spend time with them but because he wanted to find a way to get as many weekends in a row as he could. I know this because if he wanted to be spending time with the kids he would be taking the two hours a week he requested in our settlement meeting instead of blowing us off every time I make an effort to give him the time with the kids. All of the heartache and hassle that is coming along with everything isn't worth it. And it makes me feel stupid that I got to this point in my life and never did anything about it when I first knew it wasn't right anymore.

I feel so blessed to have had my two children, even if their other parent is less than ideal in my eyes. They are the only way I can justify everything I did throughout my relationship. That if I hadn't stayed I wouldn't have both my babies. And I couldn't live without either of them! I'm amazed every day at how they learn, grow and interact with not only each other but with everyone in their lives. My attorney once told me at the beginning of this that I had wonderful children. And once I had expressed to her that I wanted John to still be a major part of their lives she said again that I have wonderful children and that's because they have good parents. John had never really done much by way of parenting since our kids were born, he never helped much in the middle of the night, he never had even spent an entire day alone with one of them let alone both of them. And still to this day hasn't done such things. But that doesn't mean he isn't a decent parent......I'm not sure that my saying that is just to convince myself that I should think that or not. I know that at this point in our situation and in my life that he hasn't proven himself to be anything other than selfish. And that you can't be selfish and be a great parent! The unofficial description of a great parent is someone who sacrifices everything for the sake of their children. Someone who does the right thing for their kids first and thinks of themselves last. Someone who would find a way to move mountains even though they are solid parts of earth. Someone who teaches their children strength, endurance, good habits, good morals and helps their children find a way to be the best they can be at all times! Selfish doesn't fit into the description of a great parent because being a parent is a selfless act!