A year to puddle ... I mean ponder!

I am sure there is so much to cover like always. I am not the most punctual at keeping up with this blog and I often times get so caught up in everyday life that I forget to sit down and write about what goes on.
It's raining today. It's overcast and windy and we are now left in a soggy pool of cool weather again! I much prefer the 70's that we had over the weekend, where the sun was shining down, the utilization of sunblock and sunglasses and the ability to picnic where we please. Today was picture day at Chelsea's school. She wore a robins egg blue cordouroy dress that had a yellow sash at the waist. The kids have been getting up at 5:30 or 6 every morning this week (granted it is only Tuesday!) so we had plenty of time to get ready and I even got a shower in before leaving the house, which is unheard of.

Tomorrow is Chelsea's birthday! I can't believe she'll be 4 =) Of course that also reminds me that today marks the 1 year anniversary of John walking out on us. I realized this day was upon us late last week. I was spending time with my mom, planning and preparing for the kids party at Chuck E Cheese (saturday) and finding myself very frustrated and attitudes flaring! I spent a few days sulking almost! It was all of a sudden hitting me that in a few short days I was celebrating my kids birthdays with a joint party, taking on my 1 yr anniversary of divorce and starting anew, and John's new marriage the following weekend (16th). That's a lot to take in at one time and at the time I had kids who were overwhelmed and confused themselves which made the week very hard to handle.

Like I said, it's been a long and awkward week - wait maybe I didn't say that outloud. I have felt all over the place these last few weeks. I am so happy to be where I am. I look back a year and I don't blame anyone or anything for what happened! And as I stand in the mornings, after drying my hair, applying my make up, I look at myself....down to my crystal necklace and I know that my life is better and in this moment I have all that is right in the world. I have two amazingly beautiful children - and if not for John and the chances I took I wouldn't have them. I have a family that is uncommonly supportive and humbling and I genuinely feel happy with who I am. And Yes sometimes the memories of how my days use to be filled meander back into my mind. And what I feel isn't sadnessfor where my life has led me. It's a feeling of sorrow for a man who chose to exclude us from his life as his family! I feel sorry for John because I look at who I am now and who our children are growing up to be and it's a marvelous thing. I do miss some days, waking up to an alarm meant for someone else. Feeling needed and loved. Truly caring for someone. And I'm sure in time that too will sort itself out.

The weekend before last I had a lot of things happen as well. I had decided that everyone I had made plans to go out with for one reason or another, I was going to cancel on. I had decided to spend the weekend with my brother, had a dealing with Danny, and invited a friend who I rarely get to spend time with come over. I also realized that while I don't want to date anyone I do want to enjoy my time with people I can enjoy being around. And Brandon and I hadn't hung out for a while, so it was nice to have him there. And the more I sat there I found myself thinking how cool it would be if we could hang out more. He is so easy going and non-dramatic that it is mellow to just be around him. Things are simple. And after the party planning was done last week and the party went off without a hitch on Saturday -the days immediately mellowed out. The kids go to spend 5 days with John and his family because this coming Saturday is his wedding with Tiffany. So I will have a few days to get my head somewhere else without kids here and to spend time with my brother and friends! I'm actually looking forward to it.

So I guess that is where I stand right now. Two feet firmly planted in the soggy mudpuddle known as life, on a Tuesday afternoon. Have a great rest of the week and I'll enjoy my 5 day break along with the rest of you!