A large update.....

As you can tell from my last post I haven't been on in a while. There has been so much that has happened over the last few months that I have a hard time even wrapping my own brain around things. I guess it's best to just rip the band aid off quickly and get things out.

My last post was on the 3rd of April, the day after Garrett's 1st birthday. Well on the 12th, the day before Chelsea's birthday, John came home from work and told me that he wasn't sure that being married to me was working for him anymore. He told me he wanted to take a week away at his friends house and then we would see where we want to go from there. Immediately I called my mom and told her that he was going to get a divorce. I was crushed and devastated and confused. I couldn't see how something like this came out of the blue. Well anyway, he left and did not celebrate Chelsea's birthday with us the next day. Thankfully we had already had a joint party for the kids so she didn't really know the difference.
Over the next few weeks it was a lot of John going back and forth, feeling bad about leaving, not wanting to file the papers, and just making the situation drag on. He said things to me like, "maybe you all should go with me to Japan. I don't want to be away from the kids." He would also say things to me like, "I'm 80% sure I want this divorce." I never understood that. Emotions were high on both ends. There was lots of cursing at me, threats, tears, yelling, texts, etc. I'm surprised tires weren't slashed to be honest!!! LOL - no joking matter I know. So I found an attorney. I met with her, took a serious look at my situation and filed the papers. Once I did that without telling John first it was like he declared war on me. I'm sure he was shocked but I couldn't just wait around for months while he went back on forth on deciding if he wanted to be with me. I need someone who was stronger than that! Someone who knows who they are and what they want and that they WANT to be with me. I don't need someone to pussy-foot around any important situation.

I never really found out why he decided out of the blue not to be with me or the kids anymore. After filing I moved out of my parents house, got an apartment, dealt with any monetary issues I was faced with, re-financed my car, changed over my insurance, arranged for movers and the financing of any new furniture I might need and tried to start getting back on my feet. It's hard when you're only job has been to be a stay at home mom. It's hard to only dabble in work but not have a set paycheck by having to go in and work hours. It's hard to try to tell your kids that daddy is going to live at another house while we live in our new house. But the kids were never in the middle of anything. They never heard us fight or yell at each other. They never had to deal with being pawns in a giant game, thankfully.

Well later on more things were revealed like the fact that John had a girl friend. Now he has his own house, we're close to being finalized with this whole divorce stuff, the kids like Tiffany and her boys (as they should), and I'm still trying to manage to get things settled. I don't know why I find it so hard. Since all this has happened John has still been back and forth on things. He's had days where he wants to talk to me, where he wants to come over for sex, where he wants to hate me and yell at me, where he wants to rub things in my face. I am sure there are parts of this situation that are difficult for him.....

He got his orders to Japan this week. He leaves in February. Not soon enough if you ask me. Having him around after all this has happened is difficult. I get angry if I have to think about him. I've had an easier time not having him enter my mind here of late because I know that I don't want to be with him, but when he calls it's a day ruin-er. I try to not let it happen but I can't help but dislike him. I still hold a grudge over the fact that he decided to leave his own family, the one he asked to have for so long, just to move in with his new girl friend and her two kids so they could play Brady Bunch with our kids! I think it will take a long time for me to get over that. I don't want to be nice to him. I don't want to be cordial. I don't want to do anything other than have him out of my life. If I could have a middle man handle all my dealings with him, I'd be square!

Of course that is the major thing that has happened. There have been other small things but I don't think they are worth writing about right now on the blog. Please don't feel sorry for me or anything. The situation is as it is and right now I feel at peace with the fact that I got the best from John that he'll ever be able to give and they are the two most precious things in the whole world. John has given me a few things in life: A great few years, two wonderful kids, a few travels and the chance to find out what real love is about!