Hands tied behind my back

This past week or so has been rough. I hate getting on here and blogging about how terrible things are and pushing this negative attitude out onto the world but sometimes I have nowhere else to turn. And at least here, I know there aren't many people reading it and they can just click to another page if they don't want to hear it! This negative side of me is the lowest of sides riddled throughout my personality and it's the most unattractive part of me.

During this divorce I have had super happy days and days where I've just been absent, waiting for someone to just figuratively "talk me down from the edge". I have a hard time staying out of my own head when it comes to things I've done or could have done throughout my life. Family has always been my top priority, from the time I was a young child playing 'school' in my walk-in closet to having children of my own. As a child I've had a great upbringing. I've been taught to deal with things and be stronger during down times....push through so to speak. That isn't to say that I haven't been taught to be easy on myself at times or to feel my own emotions. I attribute a lot of my personality to pride and my lack of knowing how to not be so critical, mostly of myself.

John has been asking me for every weekend now that he got a hard copy of his orders. I said no of course because I'm not ok with him playing house with his girl friend, her kids and our kids. When we did our settlement meeting I wasn't ok with the number of days he was given because I felt and still feel that all those times he could have been home spending time with his children while he lived with them he was out doing something else. It doesn't matter if he was working some days or out at some girls house (which is becoming more and more of a possibility now that things are surfacing). I have a hard time believing that when we were married he had to work from 7am-10pm every day but now that we don't live together he gets off work by 4 most days! To me that just screams, taking time away from your family to be with someone else. And I don't necessarily mean a woman when I say someone else!

On Monday I got a call from John informing me that he would be taking the kids for the next 11 days, thus giving him nearly 3 weeks out of this month. I knew it wasn't because he wanted to spend time with them but because he wanted to find a way to get as many weekends in a row as he could. I know this because if he wanted to be spending time with the kids he would be taking the two hours a week he requested in our settlement meeting instead of blowing us off every time I make an effort to give him the time with the kids. All of the heartache and hassle that is coming along with everything isn't worth it. And it makes me feel stupid that I got to this point in my life and never did anything about it when I first knew it wasn't right anymore.

I feel so blessed to have had my two children, even if their other parent is less than ideal in my eyes. They are the only way I can justify everything I did throughout my relationship. That if I hadn't stayed I wouldn't have both my babies. And I couldn't live without either of them! I'm amazed every day at how they learn, grow and interact with not only each other but with everyone in their lives. My attorney once told me at the beginning of this that I had wonderful children. And once I had expressed to her that I wanted John to still be a major part of their lives she said again that I have wonderful children and that's because they have good parents. John had never really done much by way of parenting since our kids were born, he never helped much in the middle of the night, he never had even spent an entire day alone with one of them let alone both of them. And still to this day hasn't done such things. But that doesn't mean he isn't a decent parent......I'm not sure that my saying that is just to convince myself that I should think that or not. I know that at this point in our situation and in my life that he hasn't proven himself to be anything other than selfish. And that you can't be selfish and be a great parent! The unofficial description of a great parent is someone who sacrifices everything for the sake of their children. Someone who does the right thing for their kids first and thinks of themselves last. Someone who would find a way to move mountains even though they are solid parts of earth. Someone who teaches their children strength, endurance, good habits, good morals and helps their children find a way to be the best they can be at all times! Selfish doesn't fit into the description of a great parent because being a parent is a selfless act!