The Classic "Fear" blog

You know they say that hindsight is 20/20. That you never know what you have until you lose it. I guess that those two statements can go but also don't go together. I've been without the kids for 11 days now. It's the longest I've been apart from them. I'm having a hard time with it all because on one hand I want to do what is right for them and I guess that would be to spend as much time with their dad as they can but at the same time I just wish that he were the kind of person who would just walk away and leave us be. I've had a few fears crop up these past few months that I know might not be rational but they are still fears that I can't seem to shake.

I can't remember if I had mentioned about John trying to get the kids for this whole month but it was a big expensive few days of us fighting, lawyers, hateful remarks, etc. And before taking the kids for the start of his regular weekend I got a letter from his attorney saying he was filing for 23 days and wanted to file a sanction against me saying that I was unreasonable and try to stop him from seeing the kids. So when I dropped them off I asked him about it, he laughed and while laughing said, "I didn't tell my attorney to do anything. But I guess if he's filing something against you he has good cause!" So then I asked him when he wanted me to get the kids just to see if he would say something like, "didn't you read, I'm taking 23 days!" but all he said was, "You can get them on the 16th. I just want my 11 days, not 23". And I tried to look at their being gone for 2 weeks as a good thing: they get to spend time with John, I don't have to worry about someone watching the kids when I have my wisdom teeth taken out.......and I couldn't think of anything else after that.

Then on Friday - 2nd full day post surgery - I was at the movies in Knoxville with my mom. We went to go watch Eat Pray Love, with Julia Roberts. We got there early and like always John calls to ruin my day. He said that he had just dropped off his parenting class certificate and signed the MDA which is our last document to sign before setting a court date. Then he said to me, "when do you think you'll go sign the papers so we can set up a court date? I need to get this divorce over with soon." In my normal shocked-that-he-is-such-a-jerk state I just remarked a quick, "why you need to get on with another marriage? I'll get to it when I get the money saved up to pay my lawyer." And it was childish but I couldn't help but feel some sort of anger at him. maybe it was just for his being a complete dick about things or maybe it was just at my feeling sorry for myself (in thinking that again, I'm not good enough for something).

I know that I didn't feel bad about his wanting to be with someone else. That isn't my issue. I know that I don't love him. That I don't care that he doesn't want to be with me and that our getting a divorce is a good thing. When I think about him and his being with someone else I just think about the kids. And that's where my fears crop in. I sit here and I wonder what they do when they are with him. Do they actually spend a lot of time with him? Do they get new toys all the time? Things that sound stupid to say but that I think none the less.

I've known for a long time that he wasn't someone I could be married to forever
and still I can't help but let it get to me that he left his family, his children, to be with someone else and her children. And now he and his girl friend are playing Brady bunch with our kids. With the kids he didn't want to be with when he had them every single day in our family and our marriage. I find it very hard to believe that you move some girl in your new 2 bedroom apartment, have her two kids sleeping in your spare room and she's just a girl you recently started dating! It doesn't sound right to me. It sounds like a man who was too cowardly to do right before deciding to become an adulterer.

When it comes to my kids, I don't want to fear that one day they will pity him and because of that pity they will want to be with him instead of being with me. I don't want my kids to fall in love with some other woman. I don't want to be seen as the bad guy because I'm the only one here to be the good and bad parent. People have been telling me left and right that children know, even at a very young age, who is there for them. They know who is supporting them, who loves them and who is there taking care of them. I want to believe that but I think that sometimes it's hard to know for sure what your children know. Because I know that they enjoy being at his house, with his new girl friend and her kids. I know that they love me. I know that they don't understand the concept of marriage or divorce. I know that they know that not having their father come home every night to them isn't right. But I don't know that all that matters at this point. And in trying to take things one day at a time, I'm not sure how to let go of the petty things that are holding me in this place I'm in. I feel as though I'm holding onto to unwarranted bitterness and resentment just so I can be spiteful! My dad says that seems like a waste of time and energy, and while I agree I can't seem to just release!