How does the Hammer Strike?

This morning I woke up and felt different. This morning I felt calm. I felt collected and content. I woke up and the day reminded me of whatever you would consider your perfect day. I looked out my window to see the trees swaying in the sweet breeze. I sat under my warm covers and checked my emails, much as I am sitting now. I spoke with my parents. And I started my day. I'll come back to this perfect day after a few short stories and updates.

This past week or better yet, these past few weeks - since my last post - have been nothing short of a roller coaster ride. My divorce date is set for this coming Wednesday. I forget about it most days. All my days since being asked to move out have been blurred together into one long day when in fact it's been almost 6 months! And like anyone else who is starting over I have good and bad days. In the past few weeks I've had more indifferent days than I've experienced in my life as a whole. I have learned that John had been seeing his now girl friend since before he asked me for the divorce. I have learned that every thing that deals with him will be this way forever, it will be trying and mentally taxing and something that I will have to overcome daily. I have learned that it's hard to enter back into a world you know nothing about! It's hard for me to date, to fill my free time, and to create a life anew. I've learned that I have to be something new...something better than what I've been.

I had some meetings my dad wanted me to tag along to in the last two weeks. I loved getting to see him do his work things. I've realized in the last few months how truly amazing certain people are in my life. That isn't meant to sound like I've been taking people for granted during my life time. I just get brief moments of clarity and appreciation that I hadn't thought about before. Well while we were at this meeting a man called me Elizabeth, which quickly caught on and it wasn't long before those that didn't know me thought of me as an Elizabeth! I quietly corrected them, wondering if I should have just let it slide.

In the last few days I have had some issues regarding John. It's another time of him being difficult that almost threw a wrench in my plans. But like I said, I woke up today feeling different. Feeling almost James Bond-ish. I felt cunning and stealth. I decided that after dealing with John in a less than desirable way last night and earlier today that I would try to make things easy on myself. I put on my skinny pants, one of my favorite silky shirts and my cute gray suede wedges. My dad and I went out in some of the most perfect fall weather. We went to see my brother and have this amazing lunch at Earthfare. Then we went and drove to see a movie but we ended up being about an hour early. So we went to go sit at Starbucks and enjoy more of the great conversation we'd been smoothly rolling through all day. I got the Pumpkin Spice Latte. We sat outside. The sky was overcast, the wind was weaving it's way through the trees and around the cars, and there was this freshness to the air, this feeling of serenity. I happened to look at my cup and what do I see? The name that was put on the cup. When I was in the store the man behind the counter asked for my dad's name. He said, "NASH" as if he were reserving a table at a fully booked restaurant! He looked at me and asked the same. Of course I reply with the normal, "Kate" and what do I get? I get Lindsay put on my cup! I mean why not just throw out an Elizabeth as well?!!! It was one of the many highlights of my day. We then went to the movie. We were going to watch: Wall street: Money Never Sleeps with Michael Douglas and Shia LeBouf. Not even 45 minutes into the movie, which is amazing so far by the way, I get a text from John saying he's on his way to Oak Ridge. This text coming from the man who got so angry at me the night before when I said no he couldn't keep the kids for my entire weekend but he could bring them back by 7 like we agreed - now not even taking the time he was generously given! So I hesitated cause the movie was so good but my dad and I quickly decided to leave the movie and head to his office. The whole time I was getting texts from John that sounded purely like he thought he was getting the best of me by giving me short notice on his being there hours early! I just sat in the car with my dad cracking jokes and feeling like I had nothing to worry about in life at that moment.

I got my babies. I held onto Chelsea and I looked at her dress that was covered in a daisy print. And I looked at Garrett as he fiddled his fat fingers around a toy duck he had. And in that moment I forgot about John being there. I forgot that he was so angry at me for not being swayed by his actions and words that he couldn't even speak or look me in the face. I forgot that he was even part of my perfect day! I put the kids in the car, acted care-free and drove home. Listening to kid songs, doing hand motions to the songs I loved and asking the kids about the many adventures I was sure they had had the day before. When I got home I fed them, gave them a bath and just felt more relaxed than I have in weeks. I got to talk to an old friend whom I haven't heard from in months. I listened to a song that makes my soul happy. I hugged my kids and finished out my day. Later after there was quiet in the house for a few hours, I heard a little boy saying my name. I went up to find Garrett standing in his bed holding out his airplane blanket at me and his eyes closed. I picked up his warm little chubby boy body and I felt perfect. I felt over run with joy and love as I just stood there in the dark holding this perfect angel baby, swaying back and forth, humming our own personal lullaby. My cheek was resting on his blonde hair and his arm reached up and wrapped around my neck and he just let all his love and appreciation for me out as he stroked my neck in a tired hug.

I can sit here right now with my eyes closed and I can relive my perfect day in slow motion. I can still feel the breeze kissing my cheek. I can feel the smile effortless spread across my face as I count down to the teddy bear toy song. I can still realize that I am happiest when I'm rocking my little boy simply for the fact that he needed to be close to me. Today was perfect. Today I took pride in knowing that my body is strong, my mind and spirit are grounded and my heart’s still beating.