Super HAWT

I've spent the last week just being bitter, irritated and mildly upset at everything. Today I dropped the kids off for another weekend with John. It's Labor Day weekend. He was suppose to have them from Thursday night through Tuesday morning - but clearly in my dropping them off today, he isn't taking that long.
Earlier this week I took the kids to this new playground that was built downtown. It's a nice playground and it really livens up the area. Plus it's right across from where my mom works so we stopped in to see her. But while we were at the playground, I was watching the kids climb, jump, slide and scream. I was marveling at how wonderful they were. How beautiful and carefree they were. It was one of those true moments of happiness when nothing else mattered! I didn't care that the grass was wet, that they didn't have sunblock on, or that there were a ton of people walking the path around the park! We played hide-and-seek, tag, played songs on the little piano underneath the slides, we chased butterflies, and Chelsea schooled me in grasshoppers. It was the perfect day.
Today after I dropped them off I had to run some errands and then go pick my mom up. She wanted to get a head start on Christmas shopping! In September ;) She's the crazy one. But we got some cute fall/winter clothes and some stocking stuffers. Anyway, I was jolted by the fact that John brought Tiffany, his new girlfriend, with him to pick the kids up because they were all going to go spend the day in Knoxville (like a family)! I wasn't ready to meet her face to face because this is the woman John left his family for, but like always I get thrown into things that I'm not ready for! So she got me a new pair of shoes....it helped until she mentioned if shopping was taking my mind off things! haha.
I am just not ready for all this. I have realized that while all this is going on, that I don't miss John. I don't miss him laying beside me at night. I don't miss him not being home for dinner or not helping me when I was stretched thin and just frazzled. I don't love him anymore and I don't want to be with someone I don't love and who doesn't love me back! But I never imagined being at this point in my life. The point where I wonder who is watching my kids. Where I think, 'would they be better off in this circumstance versus this circumstance'. [insert different circumstances based on experience!]
I am at a point where I feel like I'm stagnant. Like I need to do something to occupy my time so I don't feel like I'm so useless. At first I was kept busy with getting the divorce going and moving. Then I kept myself busy getting the kids adjusted and getting more acquainted to the city again and the friends I have. Then I kept myself occupied with dating, no matter how terrible the experience! Now I am almost fully legally divorced, I am settled into our new home, I have great friends who are more supportive than I could have ever imagined, I see my family and appreciate all they do for me on a daily basis, and I'm not comfortable with the dating scene yet. So I'm stuck in this place of feeling like I need to do something else to keep busy.
I've decided that I'm going to get back into getting into shape again. Since all this started, when I was at my lowest in years, I had so much else to worry about that I stopped working out and lost all the hard work I put in to looking like I did! Now nearly 6 months later and 10 pounds heavier-ish I need to readjust. I've decided to start interval training. I did this in high school, my senior year and it was incredibly hard for me to do. I just don't have the stamina for it. But I'm going to make it stick this time! That coupled with my good eating and doing a workout 3 days a week and I'll be super HAWT! And I'll stay occupied! With goal in mind. Wish me luck!